I feel selfish. I feel anxious. Confused. Helpless.
All of these thoughts and feelings have been with me for months, but with Hurricane Harvey looming and dumping water all over my city, these feelings feel like they've been polished.
Depression and anxiety is not something that is new to me. My friends know that, some of my family knows that, and that has been enough. I don't really need to publish anything to make that known to the world, but what I'm feeling right now has to be written somewhere and shared with someone...anyone.
I feel selfish. Anxious. Confused. Helpless.
I felt this way on Monday of this week. Selfish because I'd rather be home, sleeping in. Anxious because I was meeting new kids, learning new names, hopefully making my class fun. Confused because the first day was a whirlwind. Helpless because I knew I needed support and guidance. I just didn't know how to ask for it. All of these feelings stayed, but a glimmer of hope seeped in with the coming days. Tuesday was better, Wednesday was fun, and Thursday was exciting. All because every single day- Tuesday through Thursday- I woke up and told myself, "Today will be a good day." And it was.
We received word Thursday after school that our district was canceling classes on Friday in lieu of a storm coming. My friends and I rejoiced and reveled at the thought of one day off. Of course, we'd have to prepare for what was ahead, but there's something refreshing about living in the moment. That moment was great.
Thursday night was stressful. I remember not being able to sleep because I was charging every device I had. I packed a bag, washed clothes (because I read somewhere that I should), showered, and prayed. Friday came and both my roommate and I woke up worried. We made plans to find safety with family members, so we headed out later that day.
I spent time with family and we hunkered down for one night. We woke up to some rain, but nothing too bad. My sisters and I made a decision to head back to our respective homes because, "it wasn't looking so bad."
I feel selfish. Anxious. Confused. Helpless.
Selfish because I have been in a somewhat comfortable situation since Harvey landed and flooded most of Houston. Anxious because I have no idea what else is to come in my area. Confused because I have no idea how it could still be raining. Helpless because I just don't know where to start.
Saturday night was hard. I spent most of my night praying, going from my bed, to the window to check on the rising water in my complex, to my bathtub because of the countless tornado warnings that came through. I don't think I've ever been startled awake so many times. I don't think I've ever been more focused on checking the radar until that night.
I am lucky. Or blessed. Either way, I feel it. I have received so many calls, texts, messages from people about my safety. So many people are displaced and without so many things at the moment. So many people have lost everything. Watching the news right now hurts. Facebook is filling up with peoples' account of this catastrophic event still in progress, pictures of almost all of our freeways underwater, articles pointing fingers and placing blame.
My heart aches for my students right now. My heart aches for their parents. My family. My friends. My city.
As I work through my depression and anxiety amongst a pile of other feelings, I know that others are working through that and so much more.
I feel strong. Because I have seen and read so many stories of people coming together to help those in need.
Strong because so many Texans have lost so much, but still have faith and hope in the middle of this ridiculous and very real storm.
I feel strong because my kids will need it in the coming weeks/months and I know that so many of them will look to me for refuge and a sense of safety. I'm almost positive I will need them to lift me up. They're pretty good at that.
I feel strong because I need to feel something other than anxiety, confusion, and helplessness.
We are strong because we have to be.
I look forward to waking up and knowing, "Today will be a good day."
Because it has to be.
Because it has to be.
Thanks for reading,
Jasmine
Please take a minute to pray, send positive vibes, thoughts, whatever to all of us in Texas.
If this reaches you and you feel like contributing to the Hurricane Harvey Relief, please do:
